An Open Letter to Nice Guys – on How to Assess Consent

A photo showing a ink pen about to write on a black piece of paper. There is a bottle of ink and a pink rose in the background.

I like Aziz Ansari — he seems to be a really likable guy.

There’s been a lot of discussion on Ansari’s failed date with a woman named “Grace” (pseudonym). NY Times journalist Bari Weiss — analyzed and condemned Grace’s written account of her uncomfortable date with Ansari. According to Grace, her desires for consensual, pleasurable interactions — were ignored by Ansari. Weiss concludes that “Grace” was asking Ansari to be a “mind reader”.

But is this true? Are we asking men to “read our minds”? Or are we asking men to become as sensitive and attuned to us, as women are expected to be of men? Men claiming they can’t read minds can be a pathetic excuse for predatory behavior because they CAN read many other cues that convey what a woman is feeling.

“Consent is an ongoing dance. Not a one time signed contract.”

Lets take the focus off what “Grace” did wrong — and examine what nice guy Ansari could have done better — if he were to accept more responsibility. Grace said she repeatedly tried to move away, expressed her discomfort. By her description of getting cold, dissociating from her body — she was going into a frozen, shocked state. This happens to people. Why do we punish women when it happens to them — without asking men to step it up and become more emotionally skilled?

According to domestic violence studies the most dangerous time for a woman is when she says ‘no’. Women are indoctrinated by our society to please. Many men are physicality stronger than the women they are dating or married to. There is a biological risk of displeasing men that bears out in statistics on domestic violence. No nice guy would ever want to be perceived as a predator. Violating boundaries, pushing past enthusiastic consent into gray zones — would not feel good to a nice guy.

So to all the nice guys — our boyfriends, husbands, friends — here are some thoughts on how to be a genuine nice guy in the #MeToo era:

  1. Keep Checking for Signs of >Consent. Consent is an ongoing dance. Not a one time signed contract. Stay present and observant. Don’t have sex if a woman is drunk or incapacitated. An obvious one for most — but consider how many girls are slut shamed for drinking or passing out and then getting raped. Continue to notice if you are receiving an enthusiastic “Yes!” to sexual contact and/or advances. Ask yourself — are you dealing with someone who has shut down? Who is not fully present but numb? When “Grace” describes her date with Aziz, there are many times she moves away, says she isn’t ready or something doesn’t feel right. But Aziz keeps on pushing.
  2. Be Aware of Body Language. Women are trained to read body language, verbal cues (tone, pitch etc) in our efforts to please men. It would be so great if you nice guys would study up on this potent form of communication — in terms of seeking consent. Learn about and watch for physical cues and what they mean.
  3. Don’t Mistake Fawning for Acquiescence — Fawning is a fight/flight hyper-arousal state that happens when a person is trapped or at a disadvantage in terms of power. Because of systemic power dynamics women frequently fawn, which can be seen as placating, going along, calming a man with sex, flattery, or acquiescence. Be observant and sensitive to power imbalances — see #2 body language.
  4. Focus on Female Pleasure. The entitlement of pleasure should be a female birth right as equal to mens claim on pleasure. Nice guys take note, the best lovers I’ve had were educated on anatomy and techniques to pleasure women. It is so great when men study how and what turns a woman on. You’ll get an A for effort and interest — if nothing else. Don’t feel shy to learn about the CLITORIS and what female pleasure really looks like. Give head not as a favor or quid pro quo but because it makes you feel good. Don’t watch exclusively male gaze porn — download films by female porn directors that show women getting pleasured. Lets take a fresh approach — men need to learn about female pleasure and also what reluctance looks like. Women are trained to learn what makes men happy — lets ask men to make a woman happy and focus on reciprocity.